Adele: She may be one of us, but she says nothing to me
OPINION: I don't like Adele and I think I must be dead inside.
I am dreading this week because my Facebook newsfeed is going to be filled with posts about people going to see her New Zealand shows, and everyone is going to be like, "Oh I am going too! Yay!", and the standard photos of that stupid big screen with her eyes she has in the stadium, and wobbly 17 second clips of her singing that song about her ex-boyfriend (which is all of them come to think of it), and I am going to mark myself as some sort of monster for not even wanting to like the posts.
I thank God for my three little kids, and probable underestimation of my popularity, that no one asked me if I wanted to go see Adele with them. To be fair, my favourite ever gig was the Flying Burrito Brothers in Sydney about 20 years ago so perhaps my reputation for faintly less popular acts preceded me.
But nonetheless, I am worried about what all this means for me? I mean, who doesn't like Adele? She's one of us! She swears! She isn't a size zero! She's down to earth! She used a flip phone in her video clip!
* Adele is coming to New Zealand and she's bringing the chaos
* Adele loses it at security guard
* Adele's stadium setup has 120 tonnes of steel, 122 confetti machines and 761 lights
* Adele Melbourne review: Stuff the paparazzi, this superstar is keeping it real
* Gig etiquette: What not to do at Adele
* Adele thanks Justin Bieber for taking the cameras off her
I am sure that yes, Adele is a very nice person to meet in real life.
She probably enjoys a beer at the local and fish and chips in front of the telly and in a perfect world her kid would be friends with my kids and I would get to hang out with her at the playground and get all the gossip about just how crazy Mariah Carey really is but the thing is I prefer to judge an artist ('cause that's what she is, a recording artist) on their art, not their on-stage banter.
And that brings me to Adele's music. It's just so...nothing. And by that I mean I feel absolutely nothing when I listen to it. Not a goosebump, not a single chill down my spine, not even a tiny little bit of an urge to go and look up an old boyfriend on Facebook to see if they are wearing a medallion around their neck with your name engraved on it like Clint Eastwood did with Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County.
The first time I heard an Adele song, I was watching the Brit Awards on TV when host James Corden, sombre faced, told the crowd:
"There is nothing quite like the feeling when you are listening to the song written by someone you don't know, whom you've never met, who somehow manages to describe exactly how you felt at a particular moment in your life...If you have ever had a broken heart you are about to remember it now. Ladies and gentlemen, Adele with Someone Like You."
I listened and waited to remember my broken heart, but all I kept thinking about was how much more I like James Corden when he was playing Smithy on Gavin and Stacey.
I thought of the songs that reminded by of loves gone by – Janis Joplin's Piece of My Heart, Lover, You Should Have Come Over by Jeff Buckley, I Hate Everything About You by Ugly Kid Joes – and Adele just didn't compare.
And no, I've never seen her in concert and yes I am sure it's fantastic and her voice is brilliant ("though rather like the first place winner of a regional karaoke contest" says my musically-minded husband). And yes I would probably have a good time if I did see her live, but that doesn't take anything away from the fact that her music is bland, boring and probably not going to be remembered in 50 years' time the way Chuck Berry's is being remembered today.
Along with Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran she's a poster child for vanilla and predictable music about the same vanilla and predictable topics that have been done to death.
Even Adele agrees, to some point at least, that her music isn't as good as some of her contemporaries, and when she won the Grammy for Record of the Year she actually took to the stage to announce that Beyonce should have won. Damn straight she should have.
I am sure by writing this I have excluded myself from ever being invited to any concert ever again.
But that is OK because good music died with Kurt Cobain anyway, and I was too young to see him when Nirvana played in Sydney at a student bar and broke a giant glass mirror, and it shattered into a million pieces on the ground in a gig people still talk about.
Now if Adele could do that, maybe, maybe I would start to like her.
Adele will play at Mt Smart Stadium on Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Limited tickets are still available.